Pirates of the Caribbean: Salazar's Revenge (2017)

 

Genre: Action/ Adventure 

Time: 2h 9mins

Directors: Joachim Rønning, Espen Sandberg

Quick Summary: Captain Jack Sparrow is pursued by old rival Captain Salazar and a crew of deadly ghosts who have escaped from the Devil's Triangle. They're determined to kill every pirate at sea...notably Jack.

I'll be straight, I stopped watching this at the one-hour mark. I couldn't get through it. 

I'm not being overdramatic, but If I can't sit through a bad film, then it's really bad. 

I thought Jack was awful in the last film, and man I was not prepared for this film. Every part of why we loved Jack as a character is gone and has been replaced with drunken slapstick comedy that just isn't funny. PLUS this time he is actually an idiot. I'll be honest I have zero recollection of any of the characters in this. 

Don't even get me started on the sheer amount of plot holes and retcons this film creates. It seems to just rewrite how events happen without a single thought. Things that have been drilled into you and that you have witnessed on screen just simply didn't happen. Do you think they actually watched the other films before writing this one? 

You know how I said the theme played every 15 minutes in the last one? Well, this time they thought they'd change that. By playing it every 5 minutes this time. Works wonders. Wasn't tiresome at all. 

I think the only thing that actually got a few laughs at me was the surprising addition of implied dirty/rude jokes. I have no idea why they suddenly added these in but it seemed every chance they could have crammed one in, they did. 

Something that really bugged me in this, over everything else, was that everyone's face looked animated. When doing a flashback to younger Jack, they chose to use deep fake I assume and it looks strange. His face and lips barely move when the kid is speaking it's that bad. Maybe this film was entirely computer-generated and I had no clue. Wouldn't impress me if it was.

Please don't watch this. I could only suffer for one hour of this film. 

1/10

"Carina Smyth: My calculations are precise and true. I'm not just an astronomer. I'm also a horologist.

Captain Jack Sparrow: No shame in that, dear. We all have to make a living.

Carina Smyth: No, I'm a horologist.

Scrum: So was my mum. Although she didn't crow about it quite as loud as you."

"Carina Smyth: Give me my diary

Captain Jack Sparrow: Give me The Map That No Man Can Read

Carina Smyth: If you could read it then it wouldn't be called 'The Map That No Man Can Read'

Captain Jack Sparrow: Most of the men on this ship can't read, which makes all maps 'The Maps That No Man Can Read'"